How to Make Miami a Safer Place

Friends and I have debated recently the finer points of CSI: Miami, with the result being that several of said friends are simply delusional when it comes to the acting ability of one David "Horatio Cane" Caruso. Thankfully, the show is saved by the magnificent performances turned in by the stiletto-wearing Emily "Calleigh Duquesne" Procter.

First, the bad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywllaamy83U

This clip is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Those repeated screams? Yes, those are the actual recorded screams of fans who simply cannot take another slowly-delivered, horrible one-liner from Mr. Horatio Cane.

A recent scientific study has suggested that, if Horatio were to learn to speak at a normal rate of speed like the rest of the human race, he would be able to solve crimes approximately 53% faster, thus leading to a huge decrease in the overall crime rate of the greater Miami metropolitan area. Changing from a Hummer to something that gets in excess of 3mpg would also save the city hundreds of thousands of dollars annually. A speech therapist (or acting coach) and a few Priuses could literally turn Miami into a family-friendly destination once again.

Now, for the good:

http://www.emilyprocter.com/

A few minutes on Ms. Procter's fine site will surely wash away all of the horrible screams and one-liners you experienced if you chose to watch the video from the first link above. You can thank me later.

I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.